there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
