i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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