I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You are the jesus of drinking
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
