I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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