Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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