I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
