Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
