do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
