Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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