You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
