I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
