Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I did not marry a roomba.
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