i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
