i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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