the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
