Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize