I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
