Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
