My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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