Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
