My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
