A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
