Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
