When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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