I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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