I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
