I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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