Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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