Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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