Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
