I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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