It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize