he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
