I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i drank out of a bidet.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
