theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
