any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
