So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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