ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
