I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
