I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
