If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
