Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
