Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
