I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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