why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
