my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
