I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
