I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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