tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
