And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
