Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize