my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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