I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
