Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
