Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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