i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i came on her dog
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
