I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
