Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
