I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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