I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
