After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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