i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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