I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
