Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
