Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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