My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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