so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
