i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
