You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
